Playing My Music
It's been a week since I've become solely a housewife. The stereotype these days get it all wrong because no, I haven't been bored, lonely, and in the mall shopping and lunching with the ladies (first of all, there are no 'ladies' to begin with because all my friends are at work or school). I have been productive at home. I sincerely enjoy the time I spend with myself. I only go to the mall to visit the supermarket; I haven't stepped in a Zara in a long, long while. I just told my friend that even though there is no job, there has been so much more to do.
But amidst all the flurry, the grocery lists and menu planner, the Excel budget sheet and joint iPhone calendar, I've noticed something. There is a crescendo building up in me, a crescendo that wants to create something meaningful. I've seen it in the way my heart flutters when I read an article that inspires, when I meet a woman who makes me feel good after a conversation with her, when I organize an event that makes an impact. All of it, all the little nuggets of wisdom and grand passions, pile up. The frustrating part is I can't name it. Some people can make their own passion package and call it 'brand manager' or 'lawyer' or 'graphic designer and image consultant'. I always thought those people were lucky they knew what they wanted. But ever since I was a child, I could never pin it down for myself. I had too many interests. I thought, just pick one, for goodness' sake.
Choosing to be a housewife has only made it more uncertain. And if you know me, uncertainty is my ultimate kryptonite. I need to know. Now. It's frustrating because I believe there is something. There is something bubbling in me and I can feel it. I wish I could pass it on to you so you know what I'm talking about but it's all mine. It's my hopes, fears, dreams, wishes, doubts all bundled up. And now that I have more space and time to look at it, the potentiality of it all is actually beautiful. Knowing that something is happening, that all of these are binding to create something bigger is exhilarating. It's a rush that I'll never get when certainty finally comes forward.
But first, I have to appreciate this sacred time of rest and get better at whom I have chosen to become: a wife. Let me be the first to tell you that it's not easy. But it's a whole lot of fun and struggle and triumph. This is and will always be the foundation of who I am, no matter what other layers I add onto myself. It will always play the fullest, most resounding and most beautiful crescendo. Even though there are other notes I want to play, too. Even though I don't know what those notes are just yet.
Photography by Toto Villaruel.