The Four-Month Checkpoint
We celebrated four months of wedding bliss last week. Four months sounds insignificant compared to the forever we have left but wow, have I learned so much. It's all beyond what I thought could ever happen in this brief a time.
There is silence, so much of it. When I was single, I would imagine laughs and conversations and reel-worthy moments between me and my future husband. When I got engaged, I couldn't wait to be with him every day so we can talk every single moment. And then we got married and then silence became our best friend. I thought it was a sign of something wrong. Apparently, it was just a sign of something real. We've become so afraid of silence that we have to fill in every moment with words and noise and music and information but don't great things happen in silence, in solitude? Don't we fall into silence when we stand in awe, when we are so comfortable with another person that we just marvel and breathe?
Happiness doesn't determine love. Here's a little secret: when you ask someone why he or she is in love, 'Because he or she makes me happy' is never the right answer. If you break that answer down and analyze it, you should realize that happiness can NEVER come from someone else, especially your spouse. But before I wave the self-worthy flag, the more important analysis is this: marry someone because they make you a better person. Because they make you want to shed off your bad habits and become good and holy. Because they challenge you and push you to step out of your comfort zone and be someone magnificent. Because they can handle the bad times, especially the worse ones. Because they make you want to do the same for them.
It's not about compatibility. At least not the definition of it that we are used to. The dictionary defines it as 'a state in which two things are able to exist without problems or conflict.' The world sells us lies when it says we have to be compatible this way. That's why so many couples come out disappointed with their relationships. But I've heard that compatibility actually comes from the Latin word compati which means 'to suffer with'. The exact opposite of the first definition. When problems started coming after our honeymoon, I cried and cried because my ideal of marriage was shattered. It turns out I had the wrong ideal all along.
Single you is married you. I read that statement somewhere. That was one of the few things that hit me, hard. I thought that I would change and become perfection since I finally got married. I really don't know where I got that idea. Sure, I'm probably more domesticated but in all honesty, I'm pretty much the same person, traits, values, and all. Same goes for my husband. We still have the same bad habits, insecurities, dreams, fears, strengths. Never get married in the hopes that marriage will change you or your spouse. Change happens because of choice not because of circumstance.
Four lessons for four months. I'm pretty sure the list will only grow longer as the months go by. And I'm pretty sure, too, that the scoreboard will stay that way. Real Love: 1, Deanne: 0. Real love will always win. I have nothing to hold against it. And knowing my insecurities and weaknesses, and knowing real love's truth and beauty and power, that's really fine by me. I'd have love win every day. The right kind, the true kind.