Posts tagged Family
Dear First Time Mom

If I could write a letter to my pregnant self, here's what I would say...

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Dear First Time Mom, 

Let me tell you the truth: motherhood is laced with idyllic stories and tempting fantasies. I'm looking at you now, your 8-month pregnant self, belly rounded with life and your head full of those half-truths. You're dreaming about wrapping your son in his muslin blankets, planning out his monthly birthdays, shopping for his stylish organic rompers. You're spending so much time looking at swimming trunks online, little shoes and backpacks for all his adventures. You wonder what toys and books and Disney movies you'll introduce to him first. You and your husband are brimming with excitement as this new chapter is finally within your horizon. 

But let me hold your hand, Deanne. Let me show you the realness, the rawness of it all.

Brace yourself. Are you ready?...

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Hi, Noah!

I was expecting but everything that happened that day was unexpected. I woke up that morning dazed from lack of sleep, frustrated at the endless tossing and turning I did the previous night. Couple that with the horrendous traffic to our weekly hospital checkup and I had the kind of morning that I wanted to forget. 

Amidst the white walls of my doctor's clinic, we discussed the long wait our baby was making us go through. I was 39 weeks and 4 days and there were still no signs of labor. No contractions, no water breaking, no pain. Obsessed with getting things done on time, I was secretly worried. I had three days left to give my baby a chance to come into the world naturally. Otherwise, I would go under the knife. It seemed like it could happen in three days. It seemed like it couldn't, too. 

Before the ordered internal exam, my husband and I had lunch. Over our favorite spaghetti, fried chicken, and chocolate chip pancakes, I talked about my worries, he talked about his dreams, we talked about our parenthood. In spite of the fears, there was a lot of laughter over anything and everything. I palpably felt the chemistry that brought us together years ago. He reminded me that even if things don't go our way, we would still have Noah...

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The Waiting Game

My monthly visitor hadn't arrived. In a marriage, that's considered as a possibility of something remarkable about to happen. Eager to confirm it, I ran to the drug store and bought the test. I waited, waited, and waited, with bated breath. One line. Maybe it needs more time, I thought. Ten minutes later, one line still. Nothing. Once again. 

A few days after, the monthly visitor welcomed itself where it wasn't welcome at all. 

I asked myself, What did we do wrong? Did we miss a day? Was I mistaken in plotting? Didn't we pray enough?  A barrage of questions. I told myself, This calendar method doesn't even work. The ovulation calculator lied to me. Being irregular is frustrating, an inconvenience. This is downright unfair. A swirl of thoughts... 

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