The Turnover

Ah, it's ordinary time again. The decors have been boxed, the fridge cleaned out, the resolutions begun (or maybe not?). Don't call me a grinch but I particularly love this time of the year because silence takes over. Real life begins. And the calendar can finally be flipped. 

It's 2016, my friends. Well, it has been for almost two weeks now. But I still can't help and look back at what was. Facebook published a Year in Review, Instagram gave me the #bestofnine. Both collages left me feeling unsatisfied. So, in true Classy Musings form, I just thought about it. In chronological form, in vivid detail, as best as I can remember.

The start of 2015 had me at the top of the world, ready to take on a new life. I shouted to the world, 'This is what it should look like!' and then got defeated. Every unrealistic high hope was shed, every expectation fell flat. I thought I would lose him and then we found our way back. My heart pittered and pattered as it crept around the idea of marriage and then found itself running towards it, full force, because it was time. It was joy, it was magic, it was beauty. Till I realized I'm still the same. He's still the same. I saw the worst of myself, in ways no one can imagine of me, except my husband. I got attacks, constantly, that reminded me I'm not doing enough because I'm being too much. And then signs would fall down on my lap telling me, it's okay. I would stay transfixed on one side of my life and feel sad when all I had to do was just move my head a bit to witness the glory, the beauty that was - that is - my life. I had to trust in my lucky stars more than ever, having faith that all the dots will connect somehow. That all the humiliation, all the sacrifice, all the questions will be worth it. Even if now, I just don't get it. 

In every moment, decision, and struggle of the past year, I noticed - and accepted - that they were all being woven together by the string of humility. A string I never wanted to use but a string that is so essential, so significant that it ran through Day 1 and Day 365. There was only one string all along - a scary, enlightening, and beautiful one. I've heard it said that from humiliations come humility. Although my humiliations were silent and internal, they forced me to shed off everything I expected and instead create a receiving gesture with my hand, draw up a new slate. It was kind of like having New Year's Day every day. 

And now, as 2016 begins to unfold, there's nothing much left for me to do except surrender. Surrender to what is meant to be, what is planned for me, to where the stars will light the way. Because we all know that in one swoosh of a cape, in one sunrise, in one sunset, in one struggle, in one triumph, in one string, everything can change. And it's always for the greater. 

Here's to surrendering to, and to living in 2016. Well, aren't we lucky?

Photography by Aya Cabauatan. Dress by Vania Romoff.